So, I told the internet that I was putting my dog to sleep and then I didn’t do it.  Internet, do you forgive me for lying to you?  I hope you will.  I still do need your good thoughts.

On Monday morning Scott made the dreaded phone call to our vet.  A phone call that only he could make.  I couldn’t make that call because if I had to say those words out loud it would sound exactly like this: “meep”.  And the person on the other end of the line would hang up on the mouse who keeps prank calling the office.  This is why we are perfect together, because he is my strength when I have none left.  He can do the things that I know I couldn’t do.  Sometimes I just feel like standing in the middle of the street in my pajamas and crying.  When I don’t think I can take one more beating from the universe he’s like, Of course you can, come on, put this mouth guard in and let’s get back in the ring. Together.  I’m sure I must lift him up in some way too, because he’s still here, I just can’t think of what that is right now.

Scott asked the vet to take a look at Oliver and told her he needed to schedule his euthanization.  The vet was all, “Well, would you like for your dog to live longer?”  And Scott was all, “Well of course  I want my dog to live longer.”  So,  he made arrangements for me to bring Oliver in later that afternoon. 

Now, before I talk about anything that happened at that appointment, I have to talk about something really dumb happened over the weekend.  I ran out of Oliver’s pain meds.  YES!  I let my terminally ill dog’s medicine run out and I did not re-fill it before the vet closed for the weekend.  Now, Ollie is taking a lot of meds.  I won’t bore you with the laundry list.  He happens to take this particular medicine twice a day and it happens to cost $45/oz.  Yes.  Forty-five dollars an OUNCE.  One ounce.  So we don’t exactly stock up on it at Sam’s Club.  Well, it was gone.  On Sunday afternoon I gave him the last of it which was about half of his normal dose.  Remember, Sunday morning is when he was doing bad, bad, bad and we finally decided that his time had come.  I told Scott I would get more medicine on Monday morning – just enough to get us through the few days we thought he had left.  Well Monday rolls around and, are you ready for this?  Oliver was doing better.  All morning long I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I was waiting for the pain to get debilitating because he had missed a dose (and a half) of his pain meds.  Instead, he wanted to play fetch.  Instead of laying on the floor like a lump, he wanted to chase Addie around the house and try to eat a banana out of her hand.  Seriously.  When I went to the vet that afternoon I told her about the lack of meds and how Oliver seemed to be feeling, because I didn’t think it was insignificant.  And neither did she.  So we scaled back to one dose of that liquid gold pain medicine. 

When Scott spoke to the vet earlier in the day she was telling him about a lymphoma treatment that they were doing at Gulf Coast Veterinary Specialists (GCVS).  You may remember them from all of my posts in January.  They treated Oliver after his stroke.  This cancer treatment is essentially one shot of chemotherapy that would shrink the lymph nodes and solve Oliver mobility issues, breathing issues and eating issues.  Of course, all temporarily.  We were wondering why she was just telling us this now  when she’s known for a month about Oliver’s Lymphoma.  Well, she had just learned about it that morning.  And I don’t even need to go into anything about how there are no coincidences.

That brings us to today.  Any if you’ve made it this far: BRAVO!  This morning, we packed up the kids and were out the door by 6:30 to see the oncologist.  I got a little teary walking into GCVS today, remembering all of those visits to hydrotherapy with Ollie riding on the stretcher, unable to walk.  And I was remembering the first time I didn’t have to call for a gurney to take him in.  Oliver walked in on his own and the staff cheered for him.  I also couldn’t help but think about how those were simpler times with Ollie. 

We met with Oliver’s oncologist (she’s lovely) and talked to her about his treatment options.  Today, we ended up getting that initial lymph node shrinking drug as well as a round of chemo.  Ollie hasn’t had any adverse reaction to them so far.  In fact, he came home hungry and wanted to play fetch.  Now, we wait to see how – or if – he responds.  We just wait.  So, are we doing chemo?   Have we committed to this treatment?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I don’t know how I feel about any of it.  We did today.  I don’t know if we’ll do it again.  I can’t think past today.  I can’t make plans for next month or even two weeks from now.  We’ll just enjoy the good days as they come and make the best of the bad ones.  But still, I’ll get to rub my dog’s belly tonight and two days ago, that wasn’t something I thought I would be able to do.  I’ll take it.